Grow Up!

“What is a woman’s role in regards to the immature males in her life, grown men who refuse to grow up and take responsibility?”

When I asked Daniel this question, he paused in deep thought before he answered. He reverted to the teachings of Vitvan. In this spiritual philosophy, woman is a representative of The World Mother. The World Mother has been defined as “the creator of all life, of the earth, there is no being greater than she, and her powers appear to be limitless. She is known as Mother to her children, of which there are more than there are numbers, but she is neither male nor female.”

If a woman is a representative of The World Mother, then her task, according to Daniel, is to step into the dignity of that role. Her task is to value herself, to elevate herself, to love herself. According to Daniel, the more that a woman can live from this place of self-valuing, healthy self-esteem, the less tolerance she is going to have towards the immature male. It is not her job to support his immature ways. The more that women across the planet can step into their true dignity and power, the more men will be forced to GROW UP!

That’s in a Utopian world, of course. Easier said than done. Change doesn’t occur overnight and we’ve got a long ways to go. Yet, change is imperative now. Climate change is demanding that humans become self-aware and understand how we are woven into the web of life.

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Whether or not I believe in Vitvan’s spiritual philosophy, I recognize the need for a woman to grow into esteeming and loving herself. This self-esteem and love of self is often hard won, as we are embedded in systems and creation stories that don’t favor women. Being that across the world patriarchal systems rule, our experiences from birth are steeped in that dysfunctional male paradigm. Women often see themselves through the eyes of the men in their lives. We dress and behave in ways to win his approval. We measure ourselves according to how well we follow the precepts of the male-crafted religions. We see ourselves according to how we fit into the established society or culture. We are conscious of how successfully we have adhered to what we learned from our parents. And, we also might see ourselves in reaction to what our parents taught by their words and/or through their example. Regardless, we are always in relation to this overriding male-created paradigm.

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I asked Daniel, if a woman can only love as mother, are men looking for a mother in a woman, their wife, partner, friend? With a slight hesitation, Daniel said “Yes, I think so…unconsciously. After all, that’s his first female experience…this is his initial introduction to life. [Ultimately], he has to break away. I feel that many men don’t because it’s an evolutionary step and they remain sons…it’s compounded by the fact, as Vitvan would say, that woman can only love as mother and then you have the ungrown child…”

My ex-husband was tied to his mother’s apron strings. There is the saying “your son is your son until he takes him a wife.” For her son to grow into a responsible husband and father, my mother-in-law needed to let him go. She never did. “My poor son, my dear son” was her refrain. He was always her son, her boy, and he never partnered equally with me, his wife. His mother hampered his growth into manhood. And I was groomed to let the man run the show allowing him to “have his cake and eat it too.” There were times I tried to put my foot down, but he had the power in the relationship until I grew in my own self-awareness.

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My sisters and I sometimes discuss male privilege. I asked Daniel “If the world is working for the man, what’s his incentive to change himself or the way that things are?”

What are your thoughts on that as a woman or as a man? Your comments are welcome.

Queen of the Desert

Gertrude Bell, an amazing woman I recently encountered through another excellent Werner Herzog film, Queen of the Desert, starring Nicole Kidman.

In the film, Queen of the Desert, Gertrude Bell models a sovereign woman.  She was an English writer, traveler, explorer, political officer, administrator, and archaeologist.  She was a woman who thought outside the box of convention and culture.  She didn’t follow the rules of what a woman could aspire to within the confines of being born female in this time and place.  She has been called the female Lawrence of ArabiaIn the desert, she said that she found herself.  

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Do you know many sovereign people, male or female…the ones who have mastered themselves to such a degree that they are free to live the lives they have chosen and crafted?

What is your stance on the gender binary?

“Gender Binary is the classification of gender into two distinct, opposite and disconnected forms of masculine and feminine, whether by social system or cultural belief.” (Wikipedia)

That is women’s roles versus men’s roles in society…as in, are the differentiated roles necessary, a natural progression?

Response:  Being female,  I experience my inner masculine when I exhibit action in the world.  Action being considered a masculine quality.  And a male friend has shown his feminine side when, as a caregiver, he nurtures his elderly clients.  Nurturing is viewed as a feminine quality.  So, we have within us attributes of either gender.  And, we express in the world as male or female primarily.

It is obvious to many that a woman’s biology determines certain things.  Even if we could grow a baby fully in a scientific test tube, the advantages to this would be none in my opinion.  It’s not a matter of eradicating what a woman’s biology intends for her.  It’s a matter of recognizing and embracing the value of what women innately offer to humanity.    Regarding men, what is primarily their terrain by virtue of being born male?  How does any culture value their innate qualities?  And, as women step more into their feminine power, how does this affect the dominant male in society?

Whenever we try to separate out this from that, masculine from feminine, we miss the overlap.  Whenever we try to define one gender as better than the other or in opposition to the other, we miss the point.  Basically, we are interdependent and we won’t experience our wholeness unless we allow both the masculine and feminine (within and without) the dignity that it deserves.

My question is why do we make what is obvious, complex?

There was a time of goddess cultures and matriarchies (the story goes) where women’s wisdom ruled.  I can only imagine what that was like.  Or what the masculine role was within that society.  Or how and why it was overthrown.  It is obvious that some balance needs to return to our planet.  If that means bringing in more of what is innately feminine, then we’re overdue to get with that program.  In these times, all voices–masculine and feminine–need to come to the table and be heard and respected.