Grow Up!

“What is a woman’s role in regards to the immature males in her life, grown men who refuse to grow up and take responsibility?”

When I asked Daniel this question, he paused in deep thought before he answered. He reverted to the teachings of Vitvan. In this spiritual philosophy, woman is a representative of The World Mother. The World Mother has been defined as “the creator of all life, of the earth, there is no being greater than she, and her powers appear to be limitless. She is known as Mother to her children, of which there are more than there are numbers, but she is neither male nor female.”

If a woman is a representative of The World Mother, then her task, according to Daniel, is to step into the dignity of that role. Her task is to value herself, to elevate herself, to love herself. According to Daniel, the more that a woman can live from this place of self-valuing, healthy self-esteem, the less tolerance she is going to have towards the immature male. It is not her job to support his immature ways. The more that women across the planet can step into their true dignity and power, the more men will be forced to GROW UP!

That’s in a Utopian world, of course. Easier said than done. Change doesn’t occur overnight and we’ve got a long ways to go. Yet, change is imperative now. Climate change is demanding that humans become self-aware and understand how we are woven into the web of life.

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Whether or not I believe in Vitvan’s spiritual philosophy, I recognize the need for a woman to grow into esteeming and loving herself. This self-esteem and love of self is often hard won, as we are embedded in systems and creation stories that don’t favor women. Being that across the world patriarchal systems rule, our experiences from birth are steeped in that dysfunctional male paradigm. Women often see themselves through the eyes of the men in their lives. We dress and behave in ways to win his approval. We measure ourselves according to how well we follow the precepts of the male-crafted religions. We see ourselves according to how we fit into the established society or culture. We are conscious of how successfully we have adhered to what we learned from our parents. And, we also might see ourselves in reaction to what our parents taught by their words and/or through their example. Regardless, we are always in relation to this overriding male-created paradigm.

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I asked Daniel, if a woman can only love as mother, are men looking for a mother in a woman, their wife, partner, friend? With a slight hesitation, Daniel said “Yes, I think so…unconsciously. After all, that’s his first female experience…this is his initial introduction to life. [Ultimately], he has to break away. I feel that many men don’t because it’s an evolutionary step and they remain sons…it’s compounded by the fact, as Vitvan would say, that woman can only love as mother and then you have the ungrown child…”

My ex-husband was tied to his mother’s apron strings. There is the saying “your son is your son until he takes him a wife.” For her son to grow into a responsible husband and father, my mother-in-law needed to let him go. She never did. “My poor son, my dear son” was her refrain. He was always her son, her boy, and he never partnered equally with me, his wife. His mother hampered his growth into manhood. And I was groomed to let the man run the show allowing him to “have his cake and eat it too.” There were times I tried to put my foot down, but he had the power in the relationship until I grew in my own self-awareness.

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My sisters and I sometimes discuss male privilege. I asked Daniel “If the world is working for the man, what’s his incentive to change himself or the way that things are?”

What are your thoughts on that as a woman or as a man? Your comments are welcome.

Empowering Friendships

I’ve been giving this a lot of thought lately. There are friends and then there are friends! What do I mean by this? One friend may be the support I need in the moment. Another friend brings out the playfulness in me. Another friend shares superficial or gossipy things. Yet, the friend I need first and foremost is the friend I need to be to myself. As I cultivate self-honesty, self-care and self-love in the easy times, I can then employ these more readily in the challenging times.

For those who study Astrology, we are in a period of Mercury Retrograde for the next three weeks. The planet, Mercury, is in the sign of Gemini at this time. Gemini is all about communication, the thoughts that we think and how we relate to others–our relationships. We are asked to look at how we use our own words, how we listen to others and we are asked to be receptive to the influence of the heart on our mind.

I’ve been evaluating some of my friendships. Alright, one in particular lately. For me, a bottom-line question in any relationship is not only do I feel supported in this relationship, but am I challenged to evolve? Is this connection keeping me stuck or is it contributing to my growth as a woman in the world today? While I note my insecurities, does this friendship help me recognize my strengths?

When a friendship is reduced to gossip about other friends shared in common, when the subject matter is always about what so-and-so did, then I want out. Because if this friend is talking about other friends in this way, I can be sure that I’m also the subject of her gossip. How can I feel comfortable sharing anything of any depth with her if she doesn’t hold what I share in confidence?

What do I want in a friendship…I want to share dreams, interests, goals, projects, poetry, art, writing, ideas, fun and frolic. I want to share hopes, fears and doubts. I want to feel safe in doing so.

Yes, this is important to define! And then, who am I as a friend to others is also important to review. What type of friend am I? What I notice is that there are degrees of intimacy in friendships. With some friends, there is access to more of me. With other friends, there is a layer of intimacy beyond which we don’t go. Friendships can be lifelong or transitory. They can be sporadic like the long-distance phone-call to a childhood girlfriend who you talk to a few times a year and seem to pick up where you left off the last time. We get to define what works for us. In the most intimate ones, I desire to be seen and to see…to be supported in my growth and to have a degree of honesty that is able to recognize when there is stagnation.

As you can see from my rambling, I’m contemplating, pondering, evaluating, discerning–great words–what I want and need and can offer to another in friendship.

Mercury in Retrograde is also in proximity to Venus…so there is a tenderness to this contemplation.

Be the friend you want to have…thinking about that one.

Romancing the Writer and Artist (in you)

In an earlier blog, Julia Cameron explained Artist Dates. According to Julia, once-a-week or once-a-month, you take yourself out on a date–a fun and inspiring solo date.  In this post, I’m talking about daily romancing.  Refreshing your writing space from time to time, breathes fresh air into your creativity. Buying fresh flowers for that empty vase and setting them where you can rest your eyes on them between writing bursts is uplifting. A pretty desk pad, a curtain that is light and airy on the window or wall above your desk. Or an abstract dreamy painting to gaze off and into.  A new scented candle.

Romancing yourself is a way of inviting self-love into what you do. Typically, we write on the side or paint on the side or do crafts on the side. We don’t consider that it is a worthy occupation because we’re doing it on the side and perhaps we haven’t made any money at it (well, not yet; maybe one day?).

Regardless, romance yourself.floralballerina2

Another writer once suggested dressing up as if you were, perhaps, going out on an actual date…one to impress…makeup or tie, perfume or after-shave, jewelry? or whatever you do that’s extra special to be your boldest, most beautiful or handsome.  Then go to your writing space and “write!” I think this was a way that he or she addressed writer’s block. He/she swore that it worked!

Honestly, I don’t do this enough for myself.  I have writing clutter which I occasionally, in a burst of Virgo energy, put in order.  It doesn’t stay in order for very long.  However, it feels good in the moment like right after you’ve first washed the kitchen floor.  Yay, good job!  Hey, who walked through here with dirt on their shoes?  Suspicious eyes.

Seriously, I’m thinking about leaving a dark chocolate truffle on my writing desk once I’ve cleared it and placed a vase of fresh flowers.

WRITING PROMPT:
What can you do today to refresh and reinvigorate your writing life?  What sort of romancing works for you? You are definitely the hero or heroine of your life and deserve to be fully loved and appreciated, wildly romanced (especially by yourself!) as you pursue your craft. In your journal, describe what romancing the writer in you would look like.